


Unworthy

by bekochan



Series: Malec and Family: Warm-ups [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: After the Episode, Aftermath, Alec not mentioned by name, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Hurt, I have trust issues so this episode tore me up, I'm Sorry, M/M, POV First Person, Self-Reflection, Spoilers, Spoilers for 2x12, hurt!Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 23:38:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11195859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bekochan/pseuds/bekochan
Summary: The body is in shock but the mind is spinning and spiraling.





	Unworthy

It hurt. It fucking hurt. Everything fucking hurt. 

Yet everything is numb. This body is numb. Is it mine?

The images. They kept flashing over and over. Like a stuck projector only showing three things.

My dead mother.  
The look of hatred on my step-father’s face.  
The look of disgust and disbelief of my lover.

Over and over and over.

I can still feel the sting of the Agony rune in this mind. This flesh doesn’t remember but this mind will never forget. 

She didn’t love me.

He hated me.  
He didn’t believe me.

She didn’t love me.  
He hated me.  
He didn’t believe me. 

What am I?

This thing that no one wants.  
That no one trusts.  
That a mother couldn’t stay alive for.

Why couldn’t she love me?  
He didn’t blame his step-father for hating him.

But.   
Why didn’t he believe me?

Why didn’t he fight for me?

Why didn’t he even try?

Am I so… unworthy?

Of trust?

Of love?

mother-step-father-lover-mother-step-father-lover-Mother-Step-Father-Lover-MOTHER-STEP-FATHER-LOVER-NONE OF THEM NONE OF THEM NONE OF THEMNONEOFTHEM

I’m screaming. My mouth isn’t making any sounds. But I’m screaming. Why can’t I scream out loud? I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to bring this damned building down on top of me. I want to shake the ground beneath me to swallow me up. 

Why can’t I make a sound?

The images. Why won’t they go away. They’re hurting me. Why do they have to hurt me? I didn’t ask to be born. To be born this way. 

I’m just me.

I’ve always been just me. 

Have I always been unworthy? 

Is that why he didn’t believe me? Why no one believed me? Why didn’t they just look up the spell? Did I say it out loud? Did I just think it?

He was disgusted. 

He thought I was tricking him.

He didn’t trust….

Do I mean so little?

I need a drink.  
No.  
Better not.  
Not now.  
It’s a temporary solution.   
The images will be back.  
They’ll always be back.

Now there’s a new one. 

Mama.  
A rope.   
Step-father.  
Water.  
Fire.  
Death. Death. Death after death after death.   
Shattered dishes.  
A devil’s smile.

An angel’s disgust.

I should sleep. I need sleep.   
But nightmares lurk. 

But I’m seeing them now.

I should sleep.

Tomorrow… 

 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a sound.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This episode messed me up. I just needed to process it.


End file.
